“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.” Matthew 7:7–14 

I see all this confusion about the existence of God. And I can’t take it any longer.

Do you ever wonder if there is God? Do you ever worry if there’s anything after this life? Do you ever fearfully ponder where your loved ones can be after they have crossed over? Worry no more. Pray. Because there is a LIVING GOD who is always with us, watches over us, takes care of us and knows every single one of us inside out. We are his pet project, we are his love of HIS LIFE.

We are all part of this amazing and beautiful universe God has been weaving, and we are all absolutely unique, and have a one-of-a-kind task in it. Everyone has their own unique talent(s) and God knows exactly who’s got which talent(s).
In a nutshell: for some reason, my job is to assure you all: there is a God.
How do I know? It had taken a longer, for me somewhat painful journey to find God. But I also could put it this way, God had decided that he was going to take me and show himself to me.

As long as I have been aware as a human being, I always have had these very heavy existential questions on my mind from early childhood on, and instead of going away, the questions just got deeper and more pressing as I was growing up.

Since my childhood I wanted to be a doctor and a writer. So after high school I sought to have an experience in the medical field, and I had worked in a mental hospital, in a children’s hospital burnt unit and in a lab in the end. I had struggled to take classes that would have gotten me ready for medical school but my passion was gone. Completely. I had not found an ounce of strength to do something that was so bleak as what I had seen going on in the hospitals. Sure, some kids got healed from burns and got to go home. Others weren’t as lucky and lost their hearing after surgery, the mentally ill patients still had to stay on the ward, and on top of it, I had witnessed a lots of cruelty amongst coworkers in these settings. That was a major damper for me, because in my imagination, doing medicine was like doing miracle work; everything should have been done from the heart.

Since I didn’t have a backup plan, I had no idea what I was going to do for the rest of my life. Writing was in the plans but not without finishing college and getting some experience in life.

I had moved back to be with my parents and I was hoping to resolve this somehow… but I knew I had no idea how. How could have I resolved this when becoming a doctor was my one and only plan to go to school for? Discarding this vision of me being a doctor was unbelievably painful. On one hand, there was nothing else on earth that I could see myself doing. On the other hand, my dream was gone; what I had seen was not my dream, and going through the grueling schooling without the backwind of a dream was impossible. Unknowingly to me, there had been a lot of things going on about this; I think, in my soul I always had been wanted to be a natural doctor but in that age I didn’t know that was a different thing, and that there were no medical schools for that…

Also, internally I had been too occupied with the essential and age long questions of life. Who are we? Why do we have to die? I had circled around film making before for a short period, I had been writing poems since my childhood, and I had been intrigued by our emotions, and these thoughts and feelings had just taken me ever further away from a school that needed a super focused person on extremely rigorous studies. At one point, I knew, I couldn’t ponder these philosophical questions, and being very sensitive and emotional about death and at the same time dissecting bodies and doing hardcore science. However I had tried to convince myself…
I also had to painfully realize that I had had changed a lot from my childhood to my teenage years… Before, I just did what I had to do. If I had to bandage a bleeding big wound, then I had cleansed the wound with water and iodine and then I had put a bandage on it, like I did for my dad when he got injured. But these times were gone. I had almost passed out when I had to take care of another injury. How could I have changed so much? And why? What for? So now I was incapable of becoming what I should have been. I had been at a complete loss of how I was gonna proceed from here in this life. The weight of my loss was almost unbearable.

And of course, I couldn’t see my situation clearly, with at least one eye from the outside! Hahaha, I had been in the situation, in the very middle of the eye of the hurricane, and that had been the only thing that I saw. Everyone else moving on and doing their thing that they were supposed to do. Very well. And me? Being up, sitting at the kitchen table with this weight on my shoulders, pondering, my dad coming down and finding me there at the wee hours of the morning, in the dead of the night, him asking me if I was worrying about the future. Worrying was nothing compared to how I felt; I had disappointed them. They had done everything so that I could pursue my dreams and I had let them down. I just wanted to break down and cry. But I was so hard on myself, I couldn’t even cry. What was I going to do?!

So I had decided that I was gonna do everything that I could, to make up for it for them. I had decided to methodically think through why my studies had failed and how I could get back into my grove, how I could feel the passion again about medicine, or anything else that would make my life worth living again, and them having a daughter again whom they could rely on again.

So, I started thinking about and writing down every morning what I felt the problem was. Right after I got up, I got ready for the day, and I sat down in my room trying to uncover my problems.
Weirdly, most of my problems I felt were related to the fact that I didn’t have the right information. I definitely didn’t have it on most of those scientific areas that I should have had it, and I couldn’t see how I was going to understand all that I just couldn’t comprehend. I also felt that there must be a way that all this information was more available, more naturally available to everyone. How could the information of the whole world be captured in a way that would be utterly logical?

I decided that I wanted to start all my scientific adventures from the very beginning; that I was going to build up my understanding of everything thought by thought, so I could slowly understand everything the unique way I was processing thoughts, ideas and science. I knew that I had to start it in the very beginning, and that I wanted to draw in all kinds of thoughts, including philosophical thoughts that could help me organize everything in my head and make sense of the whole world.
I didn’t want to just start looking at sciences separately but instead looking at everything at the same time, so it would be a very wholesome and organic process. I truly felt that this way I could have a feel for the world through science, and that would make my emotional being be able to enjoy science without feeling that I have to leave a huge part of mine out of it; I could be a person with emotions and having philosophical thoughts – for some reason that meant a lot to me – and getting closer to science than ever before.

And at that point a crazy idea came to me. I decided that I wanted to understand the universe. Only, that I didn’t think it was crazy. I absolutely believed that I was capable of this. I had no inhibitions at this point. Why would I have had any?? I was 19 years old. I had no preconceptions of limitations. Finally, I got rid of the schooling system, and no one was breathing down my neck and checking over my back what I was thinking and how I was feeling. I felt no boundaries. I was in my own room, and I designated this time for the solution of my problems. I was doing this undertaking solely for myself. I owed no one anything. No one paid anything for this for me. I didn’t even know these kind of things were possible.
I didn’t expect anything from anyone. And I was free to do as I wanted to. I had no idea how huge a thing this was in the world. But this is how I primed myself for the undertaking.

So, I did the pondering and thinking and scribbling down notes, and thinking and pondering very intensely for a few hours about from 8AM to noon, every day. I was mentally exhausted by then. Then I got very hungry and I had to go and make some lunch.
I was extremely committed. It was a do or die thing. I had decided that I was not gonna stop until I understood everything that I had to understand. It brings tears into my eyes right now because I was so serious about this, and now, after the facts, I know that God was watching me and my determination and my utter efforts. That was it for me.

I don’t know exactly how many days I had been into this endeavor, probably it was approaching the end of the second week. It didn’t matter. I was not going stop until I reached my goal.
That morning I sat down again, I must have been halfway into it, diligently thinking and writing the main idea down, when suddenly I felt something in my nose. I automatically wanted to touch the side of my nose, it didn’t register fully that anything in my nose is kind of weird because I was so wrapped up in my thought process. The ‘thing’ (*1)in my nose didn’t hurt, it didn’t have any sharpness or edges or even a foreign body feeling. It felt like something I never felt before. It was unsubstantial. Lacking material substance but it was still there. Ethereal. When it started to expand, – suddenly I felt it expanding extremely fast – I wanted to reach there with my right hand. Before I could have done that, I was somewhere else.


I was in another place. Not Earth. I clearly knew that.
At first, I couldn’t see anything. Everything was white, super bright white. But I could feel and hear. I knew that there were trees, a forest front of me and on the trees there were a lots of birds, chirping super happily. It was a weird state to be in; I was seeing without seeing.

I felt absolutely at ease wherever I was. I was in absolute comfort. The temperature was perfect for me. I had no need. That’s how I could summarize how I felt. Then I felt, I knew that there were millions of people around me. None of this was a bit suffocating or crowded feeling. I rather had plenty of space for myself. I just noted it. I felt absolutely safe. Then the thought appeared in my mind that I was in heaven. And that EVERYONE was there. EVERYONE. (*2) And by everyone I mean that all the plants, animals and all of the people that exist. The thought that every single one of us was there surprised me, and it absolutely has changed my outlook on everything right away. This recognition made me deeply satisfied and happy. Now, I believe that this recognition has also changed me for ever.
Now thinking back, I know that only my spirit was there. I didn’t have a body. Even at that time I knew that I had no body when I was there. I didn’t see my arms or front of my body. It’s true, that I couldn’t see it from the brightness anyway but I felt too comfortable to have a body. I felt more like a rounded thing. Only my conscience was there. It didn’t matter. I felt that rounded, light thing that was probably my soul, was absolutely me. I did not miss anything.

Matthew 17:2 : “There he was transfigured before them. His face shone like the sun, and his clothes became as white as the light.“

Then God showed up. I knew right away that it was GOD. I had an unmistakable knowing.
I couldn’t attach a gender to God. I’m just going to use ‘he’ because of the English language. In my native language – Hungarian – we don’t have a gender attached to the 3rd person; there’s an absolute gender neutral third person: Ö. We use ‘Ö’ for both male and female. Maybe it does have a meaning or a purpose; nevertheless, it comes really handy when talking about God! So I have never thought about God’s gender. Anyway, it would have been very funny because He showed up as the SUN. (*3) Only that God was a trillion times brighter than the sun. Our sun would look like a 30 watts bulb compared to Him. When God showed up, I was in ecstasy. In a state of bliss. Right then and there. I just use the term I was blissed out; I was being in beyond joy.

He was so bright that I don’t know how I could see Him but I saw his rays and the round body of the sun. The range of emotions I felt, was beyond every imaginable thoughts and emotions I have ever felt. My description of my emotions that I felt when I saw God, doesn’t do it justice. It can’t. Feeling that amount and quality of love that was radiating toward me and through me from him, that care and that amount of adoration, affection, fondness and joy surpassed anything that I have ever felt. There are no earthly words to describe it. I had tremendous amount of love to my family. But when you meet God, that’s when you realize what real love means. Probably when I was very little and I adored my parents that was the closest to the love that God showed me. Pure, unadulterated, spotless, shadowless love.

I clearly knew He was God. And I clearly knew He was LOVE itself. LOVE that also has a very special meaning. Later I will explain that.
I got closer and closer to him. At one point, I melted into Him. And He melted into me. This felt to me as if we were two sets from mathematics, and we started to cover each other. It also was a different feeling when I was melting into him, and also a different quality of feeling when God melted into me.
At one point I felt that God filled me up so much with his God energy, God being, with his love, that I thought I was going to burst but I didn’t want to leave Him. I rather would have risked being burst – he would have never let that happen, he was in total control, – than let this feeling go. I knew, that nothing else could ever imitate this feeling. I was trying to get filled up more and more. This feeling was like getting energy. I just wanted more and more of his charge and energy. Physics came into mind; I felt like an electron might ‘feel’ when it is on the outer shell. God was probably chuckling about this but he didn’t let me know about it. He gave me all that I needed and wanted.
The love was also so strong, it was a lot more than the deepest sexuality here. It had qualities like that and I truly believe that that’s where we got our sexuality from. That’s why we crave sex. That’s why addicted people crave junk drugs. We remember the love of God and we want this. We want this here on Earth. And we try to replace this love with anything we can put our hands on… It’s impossible though. The love that God can provide is inaccessible here. Beyond our reach in this earthly realm. Sex and orgasm is the best feeling here on earth. But I’m telling you, earthly sex is a yucky nothingness to that feeling God gave me. I was thinking about that a lot after I came back into my body. How could I tell this anyone, without them misunderstanding and making it out something that is not…
After this union, I found myself basking in a less intense golden light. It was such a pleasant feeling that I wanted to be there as long as I could do it, as long as He let me be there. While there, I heard a cute humming noise. This sound also gave me the sensation of an energy state from physics. It seemed like eternity and I didn’t want to leave. Not that I knew that I could leave. At that point all that was for me was being there, in the golden light, that sometimes I associated with millions of bees and honey because of their color and the humming sound and the sweetness of the state of being I was in.

When I was back into my body again, I found myself sitting again in the same position as I was sitting before. Little bit hunched over my note book. Now I was in an awe and in shock. Talking about an eye-opener of an experience!
I knew exactly that all that had happened to me. I did not miss a beat. Just like as I was gone from my body in a split second, now I was back the same way. But after this ‘little trip’ to heaven and seeing God was nothing the same ever again. How could have been the same? This journey was nothing like I had ever known before.
As I was sitting there still in a shock, suddenly, all kinds of science started to flood my mind. For my disbelief, at one point I started writing down equations related to other thoughts that I was having. Math? Math of all things? Me writing down mathematical equations? Absolutely out of character. Math and me, let’s just say, never been good friends. I could get an A for exams if I got tutoring but I was bored to death by math. I understood the importance of it but I personally never felt the charm of it. If someone had eliminated math from the world and would have substituted with arts or philosophy or anything else, I would have agreed to that. It also was the weekest link in my studies because to solve physics problems, I needed to know math for my entry exam. What is God trying to tell me? That I can’t ignore math and that it has beauty? However it had happened, God certainly has a sense of humor.

At that time I could not imagine what made God come into my life like that. I felt, it was an enormous honor. I had stopped pressing for understanding the universe… This was a huge present of understanding it. What I didn’t realize was that how huge a package I got from God. I’ve been unpacking it since. Now I can clearly see that he had also helped me get ready for my further studies. After this major event I decided that I was gonna fill out the gaps on my studies and on my knowledge and that I was gonna go back to school.
I had tried to tell my parents about it but they didn’t understand it. They were too afraid of the unknown. What could have happened to me? What could have all that meant? And I was thinking, I have smart, good parents. If they don’t understand it, who would? I wanted to shout it from the rooftop. I had imagined telling it to people but I didn’t find one who would have understood it. What if I tell someone and they think I went nuts. I had given a lot of thoughts to this fact. Seeing how dark and lost some people were, regardless of education, I really had to consider this fact. How can you explain, not even talking about proving, something so beyond the imagination that had happened to me? How can you explain to people who are locked into their own darkness that I just got enlightened?
So I had decided to put it away for a later time, when the world is more ready for it. World, are you ready? 🙂

“In your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.” Psalm 16:11

Adrienne